_______ is the finest bitch around.

get off the fucking xanax and various pills. do something different with your life. you haven't learned a single thing from all of the drug mishaps in new baltimore yet? well at least I've learned from YOU. REALLY?! you're just turning into fucking drones. doing nothing with your life. GET OUT while you can. you're not cool and your entire personality is DRUGS. all you talk about are DRUGS. all you go and do is try to score DRUGS. when you're doing drugs you're talking about DRUGS. why would you waste your life like that?! firm believer in to each his own, but when you're totally destroying yourself with something that is just frying your brain, i draw the line. grow up. it's such a sad sight to see, these lives completely wasted. people who were once beautiful and unique. and it's not even innocent exploration anymore, it's a necessity. smoke weed whatever. maybe some mushrooms every once and a while. if that's your prerogative- it's not mine. at least they grow in the ground and not full of manufactured chemicals. what are you doing taking copious amounts of cough syrup to get high? what are you doing popping pills and acting like a goddamn redundant robot doing things you know you will reget? maybe that was acceptable in high school but we're all adults now. or are we?
just stay the fuck out of my life.

licejournal.com

 that sucks. ignorance is bliss. my life is comical.

I have a job interview at The Majestic (part of the Magic Stick). I don't know why I even responded to the ad seeing as I already have 3 jobs. I don't know something compelled me to do it, so I guess we will see.
I start school next week. Not prepared, going to be very overwhelming with my work schedule.
My car is fixed apparently today. Probably getting a new car next year, excited about that.
Court date for all the shit that's going on with my house on the 9th. However, I've been doing my research and as of May 2009 some nonsense was passed that protects renters from eviction due to  their landlord's negligence in paying the mortgage allowing the house to go in foreclosure. I've never been to court, and now I'm about to go by myself with my 2 roommates and represent ourselves. AH.
Chad's probably coming home in a week or two.
Hopefully this all works out. August has been a pretty bad month.

yesterday almost tricked me into thinking that things were working out. but don't worry, today proved to me that they're just the same. bad.

didn't go to work today. couldn't get out of bed. didn't seem particularily that overwhelmed in comparison to every morning before today, so i'm not sure what the problem was. i can't stand working anymore. don't really want to look for a house anymore either, and almost would rather just wait around and get evicted. i'm sure it would be a dramatically awesome scene, and hey it's not even my fault i'm in this position. looked at a few houses yesterday, and supposed to look at one in birmingham (HAHAHA) on friday, but save for those few houses i have no interest in looking anymore. my roommates were into this house we say yesterday, was so weird and creepy it had a rock garden indoors and a weird wood paneled sun porch. god. i don't know why i'm feeling anymore optimistic than a did last week, because nothing has changed for the better yet. either i'm just starting to forget (as i usually do when bad things happen to me), or the free food from pei wei and 5 fortune cookies (all containing postive messages that obviously are going to come true, and were written just for me) have tricked me into feeling better. who knows.

i like michigan.

looks like i'm moving for the 4th time since november. too bad i can't find any decent houses for the prices i'm paying right now. i should just move home and work at applebees and rot away in new baltimore.

Every morning I wake up with a feeling of dread. Usually I trick myself into feeling better, but eventually it just returns. Everything is festering in the pit of my stomach. I'm not sure when this will go away.

 I just want to state that in the past week:

1. i spent a whole month wondering if chad would acually go to cali. well chad left for california. no idea when he's coming back. doesn't seem like anytime soon. i didn't prepare myself for him to leave for months. it's really strange to like all of the sudden be in a "long distance" relationship or something. god.

2. my (parked) car got backed into the same day, (the day before i was leaving for my vacation to chicago), by some dude who was saying he's going to pay for it out of his pocket and doesn't want to go through his insurance. i freaked out on him because i don't want a piece of shit dented up car, when i've been extremely cautious in not fucking my car up. well the guy isn't answering his phone now when my mom calls him, and god only knows his insurance probably isn't even valid. yet everyone at  my work was like CALM DOWN blah blah blah he will take care of it. YEAH RIGHT. now  i have a dented car and a bitchy mom to deal with. and if this guy think that i won't show up at his house then he is mistaken, because i'm not being fucked over.

3. the morning i was to leave for chicago, i woke up to the bank at my house. and then a real estate agent. because what do you know my house is in foreclosure (my RENTAL house), and after investigating i find out my "landlord" doesn't even own our house anymore and we have been paying rent to him which is the equivalent of me paying it to the guy that begs for money on the corner by the expressway. through small graces we were able to cancel our last rent check, and so far my dad (who is dealing with this because i refuse to) has got half our security deposit back. crooked fucking people. however, because my house is foreclosed technically we shouldn't even be living there, and we might get evicted unless my dad can convince the bank to let us stay. you know because i haven't moved 3 times in under a year.

4. my grandma isn't doing too well, and the doctor's have officially given her a prognosis of living another 2 years which my mom said is on the very far side. don't even want to get into this.

5. i woke up at 7am this morning to carl ( dog) having explosive poop/shit like 1 foot away from my head.

6. oh and my job is essentially full of lunatics. i feel as though i am the only sane one, and that's saying a lot. my job, like isn't even real.

7. i am on "vacation" right now, spending a week in chicago, and i feel so up and down that it's hard for me to even enjoy anything, because once i enjoy something someone calls me to update me on the level of shitty-ness in my life, or something reminds me of another shitty thing. shit shit shit. i took this vacation to get away from everything but it's just following me here. i try to call my mom and tell her about how i got my dog a few trinkets at some boutique and the first thing she says is WHY ARE YOU SPENDING MONEY YOU HAVE NO MONEY.  ugh. i'm capable of saving money to take myself on vacation.

i don't want to go back to work and try to piece everything back together from the week i was gone. i don't want to go back to school and continue working towards a degree in nothing because i have no idea what i want to do. i don't want to draw or paint or create because it feels so forced. i don't want to miss anyone, and i just don't want to even think anymore. the only day i was totally carefree and happy and laughing was the day that i was completely drunk in Chinatown at like 2am. and i don't even drink, so if that's any indication.
 

STRESSED 2 THA MAXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
{even though i'm about to embark on a week long vacation-haven't had a week off in a few years it seems}
have not started packing. chad leaves tomorrow as well, happy he's vacationing too. but not so happy that he doesn't know when he's returning. will be weird to have him gone for possibly a few months. when he is such a big part of my life and my best friend, however it's probably a good thing, and i have to keep reminding myself that it isn't healthy to ever consume yourself with one thing or person.
my mom is coming to see my house for the first time before she takes me to the bus stop. have not started cleaning it.
instead of getting anything done, i've just been reading graphic novels & eating food in my bed, or watching it's always sunny in philadelphia and chasing my cat around the house.
jessica is picking me up on the 15th from bus stop, very happy to see her i feel like she's one of the few people i will always connect with. speaking of her, my great friend amas, and I (and one other person) are competing in a scavenger hunt for the magic stick. winner gets passes to every single show there and at the majestic for a year with a 1 guest. rad. should be super fun. i intend on spending my birthday up in lansing with jessica, away from anything down in these parts. my dad is trying to get back in my life or something. no i do not really have interest in meeting your new girlfriend. sorry this is written so choppy and messy, but this is what my brain feels like because i am so stressed, and i am also at work and should be WORKING not typing on this dumb thing.

there have already been 2 spiders in my hair this week, sigh. ack.

going to chicago august 7th-16th. not sure where my life is going. before or after.

up and
down

but such is life.

Chad's going to California for a month or two or some number in august-ish. I think I'm going to take the opportunity to go and travel too. At first I was pissed about it and upset because I couldn't understand, but after rationalizing I realized that the time apart would be a good for me to do some stuff for myself too. It will really suck having him gone but it will all work out however it's supposed to. So far I'm thinking a week in Chicago to visit Lynae and maybe a week upnorth with some friends, and hopefully I can take my long overdue trip to visit Jessica. I just wish that money wasn't such a problem. As much as I want to travel I have rent and shit to pay. So I gotta work on saving up enough this month to pay for my rent while I'm gone.

Moved to Ferndale. What a long few days and we still have so much more to do. I'm so broke though,.

everything is changing once again. 3 jobs. waiting to see if I'm moving to ferndale june 1st. the anticipation is killing me. $150 in my pocket. no idea how this is going to work but if it's meant to be it will. it's sad to see friendships move apart. lynae is moving to chicago and i want to be happy for her but i'm not. life has changed so much from last summer it seems a good decade ago. my parents are stupid. saw my dad for the first time in 6 months. according to the michigan department of treasury i found out that my dad/mom? have 'unclaimed property' aka some refund checks or something from the divorce that my mom wouldn't sign so now the money is just floating around "unclaimed". my dad told me if i can get my mom to sign the checks he would split the money with my siblings and i. yet somehow my mom is finding excuses for why she shouldn't sign it. i think she thinks she is entitled to it too or god even knows. my parents are selfish and immature and they still think they can pull one over on me like i have no idea what's going on. it's funny when things like this come up from the past it really shows me exactly what my parents were/are like. i can't believe anything any of them tell me because it's always completely different and not once can i remember a time when they agreed on something. i've always felt like i'm in the middle and now i remember why i don't ever try to discuss anything that involves the both of them. it could be a million dollar check and i swear i would have to forge the signature otherwise it would never get cashed thats how fucking stubborn they are. my grandma went to the hospital again. terminal illness is so deceiving.

BECOME AN ORGAN DONOR.

Very excited where my life is leading. I was stressed out about my job this week, as Tim (don't feel like telling the long backstory) has tried to essentially take everyone's jobs and push them away from the Healing Center. However, I confirmed with Bob that I am still safely employed and he responded with "You could meditate all day and I would still pay you- don't worry".

Last week one of Bob's patients Carol (an older lady who is totally badass and looks like she could be related to me) asked me if I ever did secretary work outside of Innate Healing Center. Of course I replied with yes, because at this point I think I've become confident enough in myself to adapt to any sort of job and at least pretend like I know what I'm doing... Well she called me today and it turns out she is an Interior Designer!!! Something that has always interested me. I'm going over her house in a few weeks to do some work for her business, and at this point it's just a small job, but making a connection with her could be really great, and who knows it might turn into something more longterm?

Also at work, a few days ago, I met this amazing lady who works with Detroit Recovery Project and working with Youth and campaigns to promote a drug free environment. I overheard her talking about needing some kind of assistant so I casually slipped into her conversation. I absolutely love what she is doing and it would be amazing to work with her. She told me they are just waiting to get a grant and that she's almost 100% sure they are going to get it. At that point she said she would contact me and I will possibly have a job working with her and the DRP. Sent her an email today to keep in touch and show her I am still interested.

A month ago I would have never answered the phone call from Carol, and I would have just walked away from the conversation about the Detroit Recovery Project. But for some strange reason I feel like I'm capable of figuring out a way to adapt to all of these different jobs and that they could be really great stepping stones for my life. I feel great and very fortunate to have 3+ jobs that are amazing when some people don't even have one.

Not sure why I haven't updated in so long. Life is good. Chad & I are great. I might have to move again. I just finished writing my 8 page paper, and it feels fucking fantastic to be done with my English classes for the rest of college. Oh, I guess I'm staying in college. No idea what I'm doing, but whatever. I'm kind of broke right now, but who cares. I will actually be able to work now that I'm out of school. I've forgotten what it feels like to not be completely overwhelmed with school and work at the same time. Just working will be such a nice break. It humors me to think of Summer's where I had no school and no job. What did I possibly do? All I've been doing lately is day-dreaming about the art collective I want to form. I want to make things happen. Some badass art shows are going to occur I promise. I can't sit around all summer doing nothing. Usually I get sad when the semester is going to end, but I really don't give a shit this time. I've never been happier. I plan to continue making art all summer, and all of the people I've become close with this year, I consider good friends that I'll still be hanging out with. My one goal for next semester is to not drop any classes and go full-time. We'll see how that goes.

Well I unsuccessfully tried to drop out of college. My mom freaked out. She has 2 children that have shitty jobs, are way older than me, and don't go to school. Yet she can't trust me with making the decision to leave college...and it's not even like I wouldn't still be in "school". So now I have no idea what to do. I'm still going to be in the art department, because nothing else appeals to me, but I have no idea what my major will be. Maybe I'll do interior design, or fashion merchandising. Hah. Chad almost moved to California. Yesterday was intense. Things have calmed down, life is somewhat back in balance. Paige is so cute when she curls up in her cat basket. The other night she slept almost the whole night next to me, and I swear her purring is the only thing that made me fall asleep.

Just so I don't forget, when I look back at this month and how terrible it was: I forgot to mention that shorty after I received my parking ticket and speeding ticket, I was summoned for jury duty. How ironic. Then my car got backed into.